My 2013 List, or How I Somehow Managed To Keep My Resolutions

On December 31st, 2012, I found myself unpacking my life into a tiny apartment after yet another move, feeling uprooted and scarred and very much ready for a new beginning. I had ended a relationship less than a month earlier, was pretty much broke, and had been homeless and living with family for three weeks over Christmas and while I tried to find a new place to live and divide up several years' worth of cohabitation with my ex. It was New Year's Eve, and I spent it at home, by myself, unpacking and organizing and ruminating on what I hoped the next year would bring.

Before this year, I had never stuck to a single New Years resolution. Not that I've made that many, but I've never had the wherewithal to follow through or keep up with what I had resolved to do. By this point in my life, I've realized that it is pointless for me to make goals which are phrased in the "I will do ___________ every day/week/month" format. I will be enthusiastic and keep up with whatever it is for approximately two weeks, and then fall off the wagon.

2013 was different. This time I put my "resolutions" in the form of one-time activities to do at some point in the course of the year. In between sorting clothes and organizing kitchen cabinets late in the evening on New Years Eve, I cleared off a corner of my kitchen table, cut the flap off of one of my moving boxes (I couldn't find any paper at the time), dug out my multi-colored Sharpies, thought about all the things I'd been wanting to do but had been putting off (in many cases, for years), and came up with this:

(Photo clearly taken some time into the year, starting to check things off)

I've been referring to this as my 2013 Bucket List. To keep myself accountable to this list, I put it up on the wall in my living room, where it is visible for me and all visitors to see. And, for the first time, my goals for the year happened.

Portland State University, in June.

Granted, earning my MPH was kind of a gimme since I was already well on my way, but it still feels like an enormous accomplishment. And, as one of my MPH classmates pointed out, "Do Yoga (lots!)" is not a measurable objective, and thus, unsurprisingly, is the only one I didn't fully complete. But considering that I did yoga regularly for the first few months of the year I'm not going to chalk it up as a total failure.

2013 is the year when I fully comprehended the fact that if you really want to do something, you can. This was a year of making things happen, and it feels fantastic. It seems to me that 90% of the time, it is just my brain that stands between me and a particular accomplishment. Things I thought I never could do are just that: things I thought I never could do. In the space of a mere 12 months, I went from thinking, "Well, I could never do _________ " to realizing that doing _________ is totally feasible and just takes a little courage and maybe some creative planning. This opens up the entire world of possibilities, and takes away all the negativity I used to have around goals that seemed wildly unrealistic.

 Snack break while backpacking with Bill in the Three Sisters Wilderness in August.

Without intending to sound cocky, I'm incredibly proud of myself for achieving all the activities I set out to do this year. And, let's be frank here, as good as it feels to have other people be proud of you for something, being proud of yourself feels even better. After years of shying away from potentially fun activities because they seemed "too wild" or "too immature" or some such hogwash, this year I really went for it. After making many promises and never keeping them, this year I followed through. This was the year that I promised a friend I would come visit her in San Francisco, and made sure it actually happened. This was the year I made a split-second decision to take a solo trip to Canada, and had a complete and utter blast exploring a new city by myself. This was the year I rode my bike more than ever before, and felt healthier and happier than I had in ages. This was the year I challenged myself with more advanced knitting and sewing projects, and began to really understand what I love about photography.

Baby pants!

 Baby vest!

Using Bill and his bike to experiment with panned motion shots for my photography class in October.

Other great things happened in my life during 2013, but these are the ones that happened because I took control of them in a way I never thought possible. It wasn't just because they were on a list on my wall, although certainly that helped. I don't know why exactly, and I don't think it comes from any particular inner strength or something; somehow I just had to get very real with myself about what I needed from life, in a way I hadn't ever done before. Part of that meant ending a toxic relationship; once I realized I could survive the pain of that, I felt able to challenge myself by pursuing the other things that intimidated me. 

Victoria, BC, on Labor Day weekend.

Suffice it to say, at the end of 2013, I am a very different person from the one I was at the close of 2012. Just shy of another New Year's Eve, I am counting my blessings, feeling grateful for what has been probably the best year of my adult life to date, and am working on my new list of challenges for myself in 2014.

Pie, Frost, Sun, Pumpkins

It's Pietober around here. If I have a signature dish, it's apple pie, and I've been refining my technique of late. Two apple pies in two weeks, the second one revolutionized by the use of this handy gadget:

How, exactly, did I get by all these years without one? Saves a million minutes of peeling, slicing and coring, and is so much fun to use! This one belongs to Bill, loaned to me in hopes of inspiring continued pie making, and of course that ploy succeeded. 

I won't share my recipe (there are many good apple pie recipes out there), but the other change to my pie-making style has been a tip passed from a friend of a friend. Instead of using a pastry blender to cut the butter into the crust, I now grate frozen butter using a cheese grater. Perfect texture, less work. 

Apple pie for breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert keeps the doctor away, I say.

It's been such a gorgeous October, bright and sunny and warm, and now the last couple nights it's gotten truly cold- I rode to work this morning on roads coated in frost. The light has been amazing, slanting down with incredible color in the morning and evening as the days get shorter and we head toward the daylight savings change over. Wanders around the bluffs of my neighborhood in the early morning, and a trip to Sauvie Island of a Sunday evening for jack-o-lantern pumpkins have yielded lovely opportunities for soaking up those incredibly atmospheric times of day.

This October leaves me feeling incredibly satiated with sunshine and fall food, scarves, hats, sweaters and soapmaking (more about that another time), knitting and many cozy moments both inside and out. Bring it on, November!

Victoria, solo: Day 1

Victoria, British Columbia (is where I am!)
____________

I've been excited for this trip for awhile, plus I'm excited to do a little travel blogging- now here I am in this gorgeous jewel of a city, full of sails and seagulls and flowers and history!

First impressions:  
:: this is a friendly city. People are smiley, friendly, eager to give directions, and of course diverse. I love being back in a place where there are people of every color and language and accent, and also some of those small delights like being able to buy Digestive biscuits to have with my tea. So far it's a nice balance of feeling that I'm in a foreign place, yet not feeling completely lost by the differences since many basic facets of life are the same here (cars drive on the right, we mostly have the same words for things). Also it's nice that I don't stick out like a sore thumb as I did in New Zealand and other places, Canadian accents and American accents being quite similar. In fact, I've already had a couple people ask me for directions, presumably laboring under the delusion that I was a local (a notion of which they were quickly disabused when they found out I was just as unfamiliar with the layout of the city as they were).

::this is a pretty city. Gorgeous architecture, hanging flower baskets everywhere, colorful facades and awnings, lovely public art etc. At least in the downtown/city center portions where I have been. Case in point:

Oh, and the ferry ride coming here was great. Having taken the train to Seattle last night, I took the 7:30 AM sailing of the Victoria Clipper to get here (Laurel deserves huge props for being my late night/early morning taxi service). The Victoria Clipper is a pedestrian-only high speed catamaran, which is very comfortable and leaves an awesome wake like this:

It was a three hour crossing, and very pleasant. I shared a table with two nice couples (one of them purchased champagne and orange juice and poured me a mimosa!), did some knitting, spent some time on the outside deck, and saw a dozen or so dolphins throughout the ride, which basically made my day.

After ditching my pack at the hostel and grabbing some delicious Tibetan food for lunch (so many types of Asian food in this town. How am I going to try them all?!?), I spent several hours at the Royal British Columbia Museum, which was superb. They had an excellent exhibit about Robert Scott, Roald Amundsen and the race to the South Pole, which was on loan from the American Museum of Natural History and was very compelling/tragic. They actually had many of the original artifacts: both Scott and Amundsen's pocket watches, the letters that were found with the bodies of Scott's team, and all kinds of other things from the expeditions. The museum also had excellent exhibits about the local First Nations people, mining, timber and other parts of the BC economy. I would recommend that museum to anyone.

There is a classic boat festival happening in the inner harbor, so I wandered around and gawked at the beautiful boats (some which I had met before, here), pretty reflections and the fairly jaw-dropping backdrop to it all --the Empress Hotel and the BC Parliament buildings.

Beautiful chairs and geraniums on the top deck of a gorgeous boat? Yes, please.

When traveling by yourself, if you want to be in a photo you have to ask a stranger to take your picture, or believe in the power of a goofy selfie.

One of the oldest houses in Western Canada, and some very beautiful trees. 

The flowers and bustle of the Inner Harbor. Please note that this shot contains both a limo and a horse-drawn carriage.

So here I am, finally traveling in a foreign (sort of) country by myself, and it feels pretty good. I'm trying to challenge myself to not retreat into myself, which is fairlly easy to do when you're on the upper end of the age demographic at your lodgings. So I'm prodding myself to strike up conversations with people in the hostel kitchen, etc. It's always rewarding when I do; it's so cool to meet people from such a wide variety of places. I'm also trying to do this trip on a bit of a budget, so I brought along granola and clif bars from home for breakfast, plus tea and a few other snacks. There is a little market around the corner from the hostel with $1 bags of fruit (yay!) and I also bought sandwich fixings, allowing myself one meal out per day.

I'm looking forward to seeing what the next couple days bring. And it doesn't hurt that the weather is lovely, and predicted to stay lovely ("abundant sun") throughout the time I'm here.

The Busy/Home Balancing Act

This summer has been an exercise in trying to feel grounded in my home while being away basically half of my time. It's a workout for my brain and body, trying to keep the balance between the busy, fun goings-on of summer and my need for the peace and quiet of home and "me time." It's been a ridiculously fun summer, and will continue to be: the next month is set to include a trip to Canada, a week of camping in Southern Oregon, another camping trip with my girlfriends, and a wedding in Spokane. But that leaves a grand total of about half of September in which I will actually be here in Portland.

 'Tis the season for peach salsa!

As fun as this season has been, I struggle a bit with being away from home so much. I love being social and I love seeing new places, but I always start to feel a little frazzled when I only get a few days a week in town before the next trip. Add in the fact that I've just started dating someone (which is great, but also takes up time I previously had to myself) and I have to work hard to maintain some routine and make sure I don't crash and burn from being on the go for too long at a time. Maybe I should say that this is all an exercise in intentionality: planning ahead, staying aware of my own needs, working on my ability to predict how I will feel if I do/don't have some down time by myself. I think having the ability to say no is crucial. If I were to say yes to every opportunity and invitation I have had this summer, I would be completely overwhelmed. As it is, I'm pretty pleased with the balance I've found.

 Zinnias and yarrow from my garden

I thrive on travel and time with my friends, but I am by nature a bit of a homebody and feel pretty scattered if I don't have sufficient time to spend alone in my apartment or garden, catching up on chores and cooking, and just reading and relaxing by myself. Knowing that fall is coming and the constant traveling stops at the end of September helps; remembering that there are cozy rainy stay-at-home-and-make-soup days on the way enables me to make the most of the summer (because yes, September is still summer in Portland).

This past weekend was the first I have spent in Portland in a month. It was pretty ideal: a fun social day on Saturday, and low-key social things Sunday morning and evening, but in between most of a day to myself. After a long bike ride in the first legit rainstorm in a couple months (in which I and every other cyclist got soaked because we have been lulled into a false sense of security by two months of sunny weather and did not have rain jackets with us), I mixed up a batch of bread for the first time in weeks, and left it to rise while I went to the coffee shop and spent a couple hours on job searching and catching up on emails. Then made the loaves and set them to rise while I cooked up a batch of vegetable stock from veggie scraps I've had in the freezer for awhile. My afternoon was speckled with cooking, washing dishes, planning for the week, reading, playing music and enjoying the rare day at home, with the windows open to let in the fresh air and the smell of the rain. These kinds of days are crucial to me; it's my way of recharging, collecting myself, and getting ready for the next adventure.

The community garden is a glorious forest of sunflowers right now.

I'm know I'm not the only one that struggles with keeping a healthy balance between home and social times/travel, particularly in the summer- I'd love to hear your stories and how you cope with being on the go all the time.

Continuing with the travels, tomorrow evening I head off to Victoria, British Columbia, for Labor Day Weekend. I'm looking forward to wandering a new city with my camera and journal, meeting new people and enjoying some foreignness, and dropping back into my travel blog routine for a few days! Hope you come along for the ride.

On being unafraid

A friend recently told me that she once had a self-proclaimed “Summer of Courage.” I guess you could say I have been having one of my own, this beautiful summer of 2013. I spent the first half of the year learning to be on my own again, and realizing how very empowering it is to get up the courage to free yourself from an unhealthy relationship. That realization that I do, in fact, have control over my own circumstances made me realize that there is nothing stopping me from doing all the things I have been wanting to do for years but haven’t.

I have always had a very strong sense of self identity, but I think I lost it in the relationship I was in. I didn’t lose it entirely- I still had it, but it was being hidden by huge amounts of anxiety and the work of dealing with many issues far beyond my frame of reference and miles outside of my comfort zone. Somewhere in there, I lost the recognition that I am my own person, that I can make things happen for myself, and that I don’t have to do every single activity with my partner (if I have one). There was some mental roadblock for me there; for example, I began to think that if I went on a trip on my own just to be on my own, it meant I wasn’t a good partner or that it would somehow damage my partner and my relationship.

For the last several years, I’ve been in a rut of saying no to activities that strike me as a little too “wild,” or I would let my brain think, “I’m too old for this.” This would be about things that, when I did actually do them, were incredibly fun (for example, tubing down the Sandy River with eight other people, all on four inner tubes all roped together. It was ridiculous and one of the most fun memories I have of last summer, but it was actually a hard mental leap to decide to go along on that particular adventure). Somehow I was in a mental place where fun things sounded like work. How sad is that?

Traveling alone is one of the things about which I always thought “Well, I could never do that.” I’m referring here to international travel and/or backpack-and-hostel style travel. I’ve done plenty of within-U.S. traveling on my own, but it was all staying with friends, no staying in places with communal dorms or kitchens where you have to talk to people and get to know those around you. In New Zealand, traveling as a couple kind of enabled me to avoid a lot of intimidating but potentially awesome interactions with new people, because I was traveling with someone that I could talk to. I chickened out of a lot of things I should have gone after. I wasn’t as brave then, and I had a relationship to hide behind.

Here’s a thought I have had recently, about many things: I thought I couldn’t do it until I realized I could. The only thing standing in the way was my own brain.

I finally--and fully-- realized that am the master of my own destiny, if you will. Case in point:

One of the activities on my 2013 bucket list is “Go to Canada.” I grew up going to Canada quite regularly (we only lived an hour or so from the border), but I haven’t been in at least 5 years and I really have missed it. Every time this year that I have thought about how to make this particular goal happen, I included friends or family in my ideas for a trip. Maybe I could get my family to go at Christmas…How could I coordinate with some friends to take a trip this fall? I kept thinking how cool it would be to go to Vancouver Island, but not once did it occur to me that I could go by myself. Until a couple weeks ago, when I was sitting in the library with my laptop, and the question popped into my head again: “When I am I going to get to Canada?” And out of nowhere, I suddenly realized that I could go alone. As soon as I thought of it, my heart started beating really fast. It sounded fun, and exciting, and challenging, and I knew right away that I wanted to do it. Then I realized that I had a long holiday weekend coming up at the beginning of September. Done. Decision made, right there, as soon as the idea erupted in my brain. Fifteen minutes later, I had booked train tickets to Seattle, a seat on the Victoria Clipper (the walk-on ferry) and three nights in a hostel. I’m going, and I’m so excited to do it on my own and challenge myself to make the most of it.

I guess the essence of all this is that, for the first time in a long time, I feel motivated to stare down the things that intimidate me. I’m trying to say yes to the things that I have always said no to, but that have intrigued me and that I have admired when other people do them (solo traveling being at the top of the list). At the age of 29 (minus two weeks), I have finally figured out how rewarding (though not necessarily easy) it is to just make things happen and challenge myself and prove to myself that I can do them. It feels really damn good. 

A Different Direction

So here's the deal. 

I've never really written much about personal things on this blog. It's all been practical things, cooking or knitting or gardening, or else travel stories, with very little about my thoughts on love and tragedy and life--and who I'm trying to be in mine. Maybe I've touched on those things in a general sense, but I've been feeling these last few months that I want to share more of these things in a way that doesn't impose them on people, and this blog provides me with a venue to do that. While I am still living quite simply, my life is very different now than it was a year ago, and I have been writing in a different way in my journal, and I've decided I want to reflect that here. So I'm going to transition Frolics From Scratch from being a simple living blog to being a blog about an (almost) 29-year-old woman finding her way in the world while trying not to be afraid to do the things that scare her but will probably actually be very rewarding.

If you've been reading here for the simple living stuff, I'm sure there will still be plenty of that, but there will also be stories of the other parts of my life: my adventures (and misadventures) in the online dating world, how I finally stuck to a set of New Years resolutions (in the form of a bucket list for the year), and the various ludicrous scrapes I get myself into (for instance: the other day on the way to work I rode my bike over some poppers left over from July 4th. I almost had a heart attack. Then I laughed so hard I almost fell off my bike). I might also write about my feelings on certain social issues or current events that I can't get out of my head. But I probably won't do that part quite as much.

There might be more swearing. Hopefully there will be more humor. Maybe I'll get savvy enough to figure out how to post videos and make my layout a little nicer. But don't hold your breath :)

I'm not going to try and write every day, or on a particular schedule (attempting to escape silly self-imposed pressure to post by certain standards set by other blogs. This one is mine, dammit!). When I want to share something, or feel compelled to post, I will. When I don't, I won't, and I'll be okay with that. 

I guess this form of blogging is egocentric by nature, since I write partly to express my own thoughts and process things for myself, and partly because writing is just part of my nature and must be done in some form in order for me to keep functioning properly. But it is my hope that the occasional reader will find something entertaining, useful, or (dare I say it?) inspirational.

Here's to new beginnings. And sunshine. Lots and lots of sunshine. This summer is shaping up to be one of the most fun of my adult life, and I look forward to sharing it with you.