Flying Solo

Hi Friends. I've been away from blog-land for awhile, because my life has been in upheaval in ways that are hard to write about publicly. I think now I'm ready.

Matt and I broke up on December 4th. I don't like to go into too much detail about my personal life on the blog, but I want to acknowledge here that it was not a one-sided thing: we both were in a place where we were hurting each other by trying to be true to ourselves, if that makes sense. Ultimately we could no longer be the partners each other needed, and some of our fundamental differences had become extra clear over the last year or so and were not compatible. We both agreed that this is the best thing for both of us, it gives us both the best chance at a life where we don't feel we have to compromise on things that are part of our core, fundamental needs. Logic aside, it breaks my heart and has been incredibly hard to come to grips with not being with Matt, after four and a half years as a couple. He is my best friend, but currently we are in only moderate contact and trying to figure out how to start our new separate lives.

I made the decision to be the one to move out of the house and find a new place to live. I love that house, and am so sad to leave behind the chickens and the garden and everything there, after all the work we put in, but I am needing to be on my own, in my own space. After staying with my cousin while madly searching for a place to live, I am now in my own little apartment, sans garden, chickens, or roommates, but with all my own things, as crazily scattered around as they are (thanks to an extremely generous friend (Hi, Lydia!), moving of the majority of my stuff was completed on Thursday, but unpacking is another story). New beginnings.

I have spent a lot of time with my family over the last few weeks, and I can't tell you how wonderful and healing that has been. I flew up for several days in the snowy woods with my parents right after the break-up, then came back to Portland and stayed with my cousin while searching for a place to live. Then I went back to the homestead for Christmas with my parents and Tighe and Lisia, where we had a nice low-key celebration in a log house buried under two and a half feet of snow. It was so, so good.

From here, I begin navigating a new phase of my life, on my own, with heartbreak and sadness, but also with hope. I have a week in which to get my little nest in order before school starts up again, which is an overwhelming thought, but I look forward to the organizing and rearranging involved in figuring out how to best run my new little household. There is some shopping to do, some replacing of things that were left with Matt, and a little bit of stockpiling in preparation for going back to school. After a few weeks of limbo, I have my own solid floor under my feet, and tasks ahead that will help me feel grounded again.