Saturday, December 29, 2012

Flying Solo

Hi Friends. I've been away from blog-land for awhile, because my life has been in upheaval in ways that are hard to write about publicly. I think now I'm ready.

Matt and I broke up on December 4th. I don't like to go into too much detail about my personal life on the blog, but I want to acknowledge here that it was not a one-sided thing: we both were in a place where we were hurting each other by trying to be true to ourselves, if that makes sense. Ultimately we could no longer be the partners each other needed, and some of our fundamental differences had become extra clear over the last year or so and were not compatible. We both agreed that this is the best thing for both of us, it gives us both the best chance at a life where we don't feel we have to compromise on things that are part of our core, fundamental needs. Logic aside, it breaks my heart and has been incredibly hard to come to grips with not being with Matt, after four and a half years as a couple. He is my best friend, but currently we are in only moderate contact and trying to figure out how to start our new separate lives.

I made the decision to be the one to move out of the house and find a new place to live. I love that house, and am so sad to leave behind the chickens and the garden and everything there, after all the work we put in, but I am needing to be on my own, in my own space. After staying with my cousin while madly searching for a place to live, I am now in my own little apartment, sans garden, chickens, or roommates, but with all my own things, as crazily scattered around as they are (thanks to an extremely generous friend (Hi, Lydia!), moving of the majority of my stuff was completed on Thursday, but unpacking is another story). New beginnings.

I have spent a lot of time with my family over the last few weeks, and I can't tell you how wonderful and healing that has been. I flew up for several days in the snowy woods with my parents right after the break-up, then came back to Portland and stayed with my cousin while searching for a place to live. Then I went back to the homestead for Christmas with my parents and Tighe and Lisia, where we had a nice low-key celebration in a log house buried under two and a half feet of snow. It was so, so good.

From here, I begin navigating a new phase of my life, on my own, with heartbreak and sadness, but also with hope. I have a week in which to get my little nest in order before school starts up again, which is an overwhelming thought, but I look forward to the organizing and rearranging involved in figuring out how to best run my new little household. There is some shopping to do, some replacing of things that were left with Matt, and a little bit of stockpiling in preparation for going back to school. After a few weeks of limbo, I have my own solid floor under my feet, and tasks ahead that will help me feel grounded again.


FlowerLady Lorraine said...

Dear, dear Liz ~ My heart aches for you tremendously. I'm at a loss for words, but know that I wish you much love, peace and yes joy as you start this new phase in your life. May 2013 be filled with many blessings.

Love and hugs ~ FlowerLady Lorraine

Anna in Massachusetts said...

Hi Liz, I have followed your blog for some time and just wanted to send my best to you in this transition. I am also in a new academic venture, single, and trying to live in a balanced way. I have been actually been single for several years, hoping ultimately to be with a partner but just haven't found the right one yet. It is lonely at times, but I am hoping that this on-my-own period will serve me well by helping me to know myself and my own independence, and I hope yours serves you well in your own way!

Heather said...

I'm so sorry.

Sam said...

Hi Liz, it sounds like the end of 2012 was very hard for you with such big decisions to make. I once said to someone after a seperaton "I'm sorry to hear that" and they replied "If I told you the whole story you'd be congratulating me". So with that in mind I won't say "I'm sorry", only I know this decision wouldn't have been easy to make, and I am sure this will be the best thing in the long run. I hope that as 2013 develops the benefits of making this change become more and more evident in your life. It sounds like this has been such a big decision to make. You are such a determined person and work hard towards your goals, I know you will be ok. Thank you for sharing such a personal change in your life with us, Sam xox

farmer_liz said...

You are very brave to share your story and it sounds like you have lots of support. I hope you will have chickens and a garden again soon (I think I would miss them nearly as much as having a partner!). Even in an apartment you can always grow sprouts for fresh veges :) Best wishes.

Laura@OurWeeFarm said...

Liz, I am a terrible reader of my favourite blogs, often having to catch up on months at a time. I'm so terribly sorry to hear that you and Matt have gone your separate ways, but from reading on I think you are doing brilliantly.

Sending love and hugs from far away. xx